Holy crap! I AM an artist!

 

Finding my feet, art journal, 2012

I never dreamed of being an artist. I only ever wanted to be a mum.

Yet somehow earlier this year, my dreams changed. I realised I no longer wanted to be a mum who does art on the side, I wanted to be a mother AND an artist.

That may seem like a subtle change to you. But to me, it was huge. It would mean admitting publicly that I'm an artist. And that was scary as hell.

 

I needed a serious push.... And I got one.

 

It started innocently enough (for her anyway!) with Marie calling me a visual artist in a game of tag.

Little did she know her words sent me into emotional turmoil. That my whole life up to that point literally flashed before my eyes. That I bawled my eyes out.

All because she called me an artist.

The second time someone called me an artist, it went out to all my facebook friends, new and old. Someone from the wild art group tagged me as an artist when we became friends. I didn't realise it would change my profession on my timeline. When I did, I seriously thought I was going to be sick. The  palms of my hands were sweaty, my heart was beating ten to the dozen, and my head was pounding furiously to the tune of "ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod!".

I wasn't worried about my new friends finding out, they all do art too, so they understand. But my old ones...Oh boy, that was scary!

I felt naked. Vulnerable.

I half waited for them to say I was delusional, a fraud, that they remember how crap I was at drawing at school, that my new art isn't any good either, that I should stick to being a housewife because that's all I'm good at (which of course set off a whole lot of mama guilt for even daring to think of being anything other than a mother).

And I seriously I considered changing it back to SAHM. Safe old SAHM.

Instead, I sat with it. I gave the fears, the insecurities and inner critic a chance to speak.

Then this calm came over me. I connected with it. I let it sink in.

I realised I AM an artist. That I have always been an artist. An artist in training at least.

 

Trust, art journal, 2012

 

Looking back, I can clearly see how every little thing I have experienced in life, whether it looked art related or not, led me here. That every little thing I have experienced has defined my art. That every little thing I have experienced defines how and what I want to do with my art in the future.

And you know what?

Not only did someone like my new work status (thanks Paty!), but as soon as I openly admitted being an artist, the Universe rose up to meet me, placing all kinds of bold new dreams and adventures in my lap. Like wanting to teach art journaling online in the future, and have my own online art business. Which takes me completely out of my comfort zone (what the heck do I know about video editing, or running a small business???).

But even though my legs threathen to buckle underneath me, I carry on, because I realise there is no other way than forward.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" - Anais Nin


                                                            ***

This post is part of a brave blogging challenge arranged by Liv Lane for the students of her e-course How To Build A Blog You Truly Love. 

Comments

[Cheryl Irwin]

Lovely, your art work is beautiful, there is no doubt you are an artist Carin

[Monica]

i've been privileged to see you grow, from admiring all your crafty works, embroidery and such... and having you join me in visual journalling, to see you blossom and leap into arting!
YES! when we open to the universe, it responds!

i'm over the moon for you. you'll do wonderfully. continue to love your Self first, to allow your heart to speak and your soul to breathe, and for every tangible thing to come after that - and you'll always have joy and peace.

[Tina]

You are definitely an artist. Can't believe you thought otherwise! And this could certainly be a business for you, you make the most beautiful work - have you tried something like Etsy? Or teaching others? I wouldn't know how to even start doing a piece of work like that.

[Anneri]

Love your post!

[Valarie Budayr]

Yes you are an artist. Your art is just gorgeous. You piece Finding My Feet speaks to the heart of many of us. It's the journey of unveiling who you really are to yourself. It's the truth that always was but now is seen.

So glad you discovered your artist self and shared it with all of us.

[Jenny]

YES you are... and a beautiful Artist at that... your work is gorgeous Carin... standing up applauding you... can you hear me... proudly stepping into your Artist Self... beautiful... and magical post...

Hugs... still clapping...
Jenny x

[Marie]

Carin...

The Universe rose up to meet you. You gave your inner critic room and chance to speak.

I love these words so much. I never meant to make you cry or change you in any way, but guess what? You have done this to me now. What a beautiful personal experience and a beautifully written piece. Thank you a TON for sharing it. xoxo

[(ms.) Michael]

What a beautiful, empowering, brave post! I love it! Your work is beautiful and your words truly reveal a large part of who YOU are. Thank you for sharing this!

And, please, let us know when you teach the art journal class on line! :-)

Michael
from BBTL

[Donna]

Love love love. Great post.

[Deborah Weber]

Lovely post, lovely art. And yay you for owning what you clearly are - a wonderful artist!

[Cheryl Dossey]

Great post Carin, and you are most definitely and artist so get used to hearing it and enjoy! :)

[Carrie Monroe O'Keefe]

Congratulations! What an exciting journey you have ahead. I'm so glad you were able to find your calling and run with it. Not many people are willing to do that. You are BRAVE!!!

[Stacey]

I relate to this SOOOO much-- just stick with safe labels, right? But it's not safe-- it might be one of the most dangerous things we do to ourselves. I get it. And I love your art. It always floors me when I see someone like you say, "I was afraid to admit I was an artist," when you so clearly ARE an artist. Puts it in perspective for me as well. Thanks for your words!

[Carol]

Brave you for sharing this with us. I just started calling myself an artist less than a year ago, so I know exactly how you have been feeling. It's almost like announcing to the world that you're a medical doctor or that you won the Pulitzer Prize, instead of an artist.

[Dara Dokas]

So true, so true. I love this post!

The first time someone called me an Author, I was surprised, then said "Heck Yeah!"

You are an artist and I love that your thinking big. Once you accept yourself for who you really are, it seems to open the flood gates for dreams.

[Alison]

"I realised I no longer wanted to be a mum who does art on the side, I wanted to be a mother AND an artist."

Wow!
I have to say I admire you a great deal. I haven't got any children and I still find it hard to find time to paint!
You're a Supermum!

[Christie]

You are definitely an artist - your work is beautiful. Congratulations on claiming your power :)

[Jenna]

yay! way to be brave and claim this part of yourself. What an inspiration!

[Meg]

Oh I LOVE your work and can't wait for you to sell it, it resonates so much with me I would be one of the first in line. Artist, yes truly you are....and I adore the anais nin quote you ended with.

[Angie Mizzell]

So true about how the universe rises up to meet you. Recognizing that I am an artist, more specifically, a writer, took years. Even with journalism degree... to step out on my own and be a writer on my own terms took a huge leap of faith. Wonder why it's so hard for some of us to call ourselves what we are?

[Janet Hovde]

Carin, Love your Art, Love your Truth, Yay for finding your feet!

[Lynn]

I can relate to everything you said. Your art is wonderful and uplifting. Its like this blog was just waiting for today to be written! Such an exciting future awaits you as an artist.

[Liv Lane]

Congratulations! So exciting when you realize and tell the world who you really are! It is so nerve wracking to put it out there; I remember writing my own "I am an artist" post with knees knocking. Bravo to you and cheers to living an artful life!

[Jill KK]

Yes! yes! yes! the minute you claim it, the universe opens up. So very true! Thanks for sharing this. I have felt the same way. :)

[Kristin Van Valkenburgh]

Snif, Snif . . . . xoxoxo